The last two weeks have been a mental struggle. We are going on our first vacation with Ben this weekend and it will also be my first time in a bikini since Ben was born. Thinking about myself in a bikini gives me mixed emotions. I feel nervous since my body looks nothing like it did before, yet, also excited about the progress I have made. I had a goal for this vacation and it was to wear a bikini. It wasn't to be a certain size or to be a specific weight, it was simply to have the confidence to lay on the beach in a bikini.
I tried on some of my outfits that I am packing for vacation and even though they fit, I still didn't feel as confident as I wanted to feel in them. I should be happy that my pre-pregnancy clothes fit. But honestly, after working my butt off for the last seven months, I was hoping they would almost be too big. I am 15 pounds less than I was before I got pregnant, yet my body doesn't looks as fit or toned to me. Yes, I know I am hard on myself. I get up every morning at 4 am to workout, I eat clean and stay away from temptation. Although my main goal for weight loss was to be healthy, I would be lying if it wasn't to look good too!
I posted about this mental struggle last week on my Facebook page and I was surprised how many people were shocked to hear that I struggle with this. I am the same as everyone else. We all make different choices but at the end of the day, our weight loss struggles are probably very similar. Just because you lose weight, it doesn't mean you automatically love what you see in the mirror and feel confident. I have days where I see the new me and I have days where I see the old me. I nit pick myself just like everyone else does. I am no better than you and you are no better than me - we share the same struggles.
Although I struggle, I have moments where I feel crazy for ever struggling. I have worked really freaking hard. I worked really hard to lose 50 pounds before we decided to have a baby. Sacrificed many evenings to workout and go to the gym and many mornings to workout before heading to work. I had the willpower to say no to my cravings and say yes to clean eating. I also worked really hard to only gain 23 pounds during my pregnancy. I worked out with my husband, I did PiYo, I walked every single day on the treadmill on my lunch break. During the summer, my husband and I went walking every night after we got off work. We cooked healthy meals and I did my best not to have the mindset that I was eating for two. Once I had Ben, I immediately started working on my post-baby body by doing Body Beast, T25, Insanity Max: 30, all while nursing and eventually going back to work. I lost my baby weight within two weeks and worked on toning back up after that. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but come on...how can I NOT be proud of that?! I have had bad days, I have cheated and caved, but I have had more days on than off and everyday I strive to be better than I was the day before.
So, as I prepare for vacation, I have decided that I am going to choose to be confident. This is my husband and I's first trip as a family with Ben. I don't want to spend this vacation feeling insecure about the dimples on the back of my legs. This vacation is going to be spent soaking up the sun and enjoying every single second with my family. I can't wait to see Ben stick is toes in the sand and take a dip in the pool. When we take Ben to the beach and to the pool, you can guarantee I am going to be rocking that bikini and feeling PROUD. I have cellulite, extra skin in my inner thighs, my stomach isn't flat and I have stretch marks on my sides - but you know what? I am healthy and fit - and not to mention, 63 pounds lighter than I was two and a half years ago.
Being a mom doesn't mean we have to cover up and be embarrassed of our bodies. If it weren't for our bodies, we wouldn't have our amazing children. My body gave life to my sweet little boy, nothing short of a MIRACLE. My body is far from perfect, but I have worked really hard for it.
This next week, I will be rocking my bikini on the beach and checking on my goal of confidently wearing a bikini as a Mom!